2019 is finally coming to an end and my GOODNESS, what a year it’s been. I feel as though life has really tested me this year and pushed me from pillar to post to truly discover my breaking point. Thinking back now, this time last year I was in such a different place mentally and physically and although this year has consisted of so many low points, where I am right now in life, is somewhere I’d never thought I’d be.
So, with that said, let’s have a little loopback of 2019, whilst it’s still here and share some tough life lessons I’ve learnt, some things I’ve achieved and of course, some things that haven’t gone so well – As I’m only human and not everything can go the way you’d expect it to.
2019 has been a year of immense change within my work life and personal life and looking back on where I was this time last year is crazy in all honesty. This time last year I was a shell of the person I am today, I knew where I wanted to be in life, however, no matter how hard I tried and worked for it, I never quite got there. You could say that this time last year I was in a bit of a rut and just feeling generally low and worthless if I’m being completely honest. 2018 was the year of feeling like shit and being treated less than my worth and 2019 was me pushing all of that shit out of my life. Or how I like to put it, pulling out all the weeds so that I can let the flowers grow.
January 2019 was one of THE most difficult months of my life. Everything I’d built up for myself came crashing down before my eyes, and although now, the things that happened lead on to bigger and better things. At the time, I was in a headspace that I’d never been in before. I didn’t know where my next source of income was going to be, I moved back in with my parents and I felt as though the people who should have been there for me, really were not.
The annoying thing is that 2019 has been amazing for Friendships, I’ve established some amazing bonds, that hopefully will last a lifetime. I’m so lucky to have these people in my life and to have them picking me up when I’m low, sending me memes when they know I’m not having a good day, and most of all, spending time with me when I need it most. A friendship doesn’t have to be texting 24/7, it’s about the little check-ins, the catch-up after months of not seeing one another and it feeling as though we’ve never had time apart, that is truly special.
Although I’ve had a good year in terms of friendships, one of the biggest changes in my life in 2019, was the people that I’m no longer friends with. I think time and your surroundings can really change a person and obviously, people change, that’s just life, right? After (eventually) opening up about this with my friends and family, this is something very common that happens in your 20’s, sometimes people change and go completely sour with you through no fault of your own.
Dealing With Friendship Heartbreak
You’re probably reading this thinking ‘Friendship Heartbreak, isn’t that a tad too dramatic?” the answer is no, not when you’ve been through it yourself. Friendship Heartbreak and Relationship Heartbreak are two very different things, but they hurt and cut just as much.
With a ‘normal breakup’ (if that’s even a thing) I think it hurts more to begin with, however as time goes on you heal and it’s a lot easier to get rid of photographs and sentimental thing, as you begin to learn that you’re better off without them, the memories become less special and important, as they’re replaced with more happy memories with a new relationship. However, a friendship breakup lingers for a lot longer I found. Even just last week I was clearing out my wardrobe and found Polaroids of that person and I and in all honesty, it made me sad ajd deflated because those memories where so positive and the friendship was truly like no other, so I just put them in a bag and stuffed them back into my wardrobe. Realistically, what are you meant to do with that? It feels weird to get rid of them because that was such an amazing time and you still see them from time to time.
But luckily enough, I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve never spoken about what went down with myself and this person to any of my other friends, because I knew that they would see her too from time to time and I’d never want somebodies opinion of someone else to be based on my experiences with them. However, after recently attending event where one of her ‘friends’ pushed me and told me to ‘Get out of their way’, I’m now an open book and I’ve learnt to be goddamn careful who you put your trust in, because although I’m a good person, some people aren’t and they will write your name in their blood as soon as you turn your back.
Although the Friendship had a bitter ending, I’m so glad I’ve FINALLY realised that they’re actually the one missing out. Don’t let ANYONE put you down because you’re being a good, honest friend to them. Sometimes people cannot handle the truth and this is the last I’m EVER going to discuss on this situation. It’s old news to me now and it’s no longer any skin off of my back. I guess they’re the ones with the blood under their fingernails, not me.
I doubt myself every second of the day, there’s no arguing that, especially after some of the god awful jobs I’ve had over the years. Jesus Christ. It’s crazy to think I’ve been a university graduate for nearly 3 years and I’m only ‘just’ feeling appreciated in the workplace. If you’ve read any previous blog post, you’ll know that I went through a big job change at the start of the year and it was the BEST choice I ever made.
Since February, I’ve learnt so much and seen my confidence grow drastically within the workplace environment. For the first time, my opinion has mattered and colleagues and clients are genuinely interested in what I’ve got to say and the skills that I bring to the table. For the majority of people, this is just standard from a job, however, for me, I’ve worked in some awfully toxic working environments, so coming from all of that into a job where my work is appreciated by my bosses, that’s honestly priceless to me.
In 2020 I really want to work to my full potential, as now that I’ve got my confidence back, I know that I have the power and the skills to go above and beyond. With jobs, I never really want to set too many goals, as I think if you put too many expectations in someone else’s hands, you’re likely to be dissapointed. But throughout 2019, I’ve truly discovered my worth and how I deserve to be treated in the workplace.
A huge part of my life is my blog. In 2019, we celebrated 6 years of Blush & Noise, which is insane! This year has been mental with my blog. I can’t quite believe it if I’m being completely honest. My following has grown so much and it honestly feels amazing to have all of my hard work paying off from over the past 6 years. Although my following is only pretty small, in my eyes, I’m still gobsmacked in all honesty. Some of the brands that I’ve had the honour of working with this year are beyond my wildest dreams.
If you’d have told me when I started my blog, that I’d be getting paid to attend events down in London, I would have never believed you. I never started my blog to make money, or to receive gifts, I honestly started it because I enjoyed writing, fashion and just wanted to create a website for myself after years of using Tumblr and Piczo (WHO remembers Piczo though!?) to create my own websites and share my photos. So I guess a blog was a natural progression after that.
One of the biggest things that blogging has brought me is the confidence to truly be myself. I’ve always been sure of how I dress but never really had the confidence to talk to people or go to events, It took me about 2 years of blogging to attend my first event and even then I was so unsure of myself and was about 99% sure I just wanted to go home and eat pizza and cry, but luckily, I didn’t. I bit the bullet and went and I’ve met so many amazing people that are now my life long friends.
Ah, adulting. How I love to hate it. This year, I’ve 100% been put through my paces in terms of trying to convince myself I’m an adult. Although I’m a week away from being 24, I still feel as though I”m still 18 mentally. I just don’t think I look like an adult what-so-ever, nor do I think that I have the mental capacity to act like one. However, this year I’ve had no choice but to act like an adult, especially when it’s come to things like applying for a mortgage.
The whole mortgage process was honestly THE most stressful time of my life and I felt as though I was 5 years old trying to apply for a mortgage because I had no idea what the mortgage broker was talking about with all of their ‘mortgage jargon’. Luckily, with good whit and charm (LOL) I managed to sort everything with the aid of Google and just constantly asking 101 questions to everyone around me. Although that was such a stressful time, Vincent and I couldn’t be in happier in our home and I’ve never felt so relaxed and settled in a home in my life.
In all honesty, adulting is really that bad. Yes, it’s stressful and yes, sometimes you do want to suck your thumb and cry, but I think having a sense of humour and the ability to look on the brighter side of things makes it all worth while.
I honestly hope that 2020 is one of the greatest years yet. I’ve learnt SO much this year and just cannot quite believe the direction that my life has gone in. Part of me feel as though I’m going to jinx it all, but I feel as though my life is finally in the direction that it’s suppose to be in. I’m in the headspace of wanting to focus on myself for a change, as I’ve spent so many years being so hard on myself and focusing on everyone else around me, even the people who didn’t care and now it’s time to focus on myself and the people around me who have been their for me throughout the difficult times this year.
I hope that 2020 brings more exciting opportunities for my blog and full time career as I’ve put so much work into everything ever since I can remember and I think it’s time for me to truly start establishing myself. Whether that be reaching 10k on instagram or getting a simple high five from my boss, it feels good to be appreciated and I want this to come into 2020.
Until next time x