If I’m being totally honest right now, this is the happiest I’ve felt in a VERY long time. That’s not to say that everything is going perfectly and it’s definitely not all coming up Millhouse, however, at this point in time I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in years.
If you’re not into astrology, then apologies in advance, but I’m a Capricorn and although there’s huge traits that I don’t think I resonate with, the work-a-holic side is certainly a trait that I have, no questions asked. I’ve been a middle child from a very young age and I guess I’ve always been focussed on impressing my mum and making my siblings think I’m cool, so I guess this competitive drive is just wired into my brain. All I want for myself is to make my family proud and feel as though I’ve achieved something for myself.
For so long, I was working for the wrong people and at the wrong places and simply allowing myself to be treated awfully by people I spent the most time with both in and outside of work. I was in a toxic environment for a very long time and didn’t truly realise until I was past the boiling point.
Like everyone, I love a bit of praise. It’s nice to be told you’re doing well at something, whether that’s being a good friend or doing well in your career. The things you put the time and effort into, it’s nice to occasionally get something back and be told you’re doing good. I’ve learnt a lot about myself through my journey to what I thought was ‘happiness’. I’ve learnt just how strong I am, especially considering I’m 4ft 11 and like to nap most of the time. I’m a goddamn fighter and it’s only taken me nearly 24 years to realise that.
Earlier this year, I was faced with some god awful situations, from being jobless to having to move out of the flat I was in due to that, I felt like such a failure. I remember the day that I moved back into my parents house, I felt well and truly defeated. I was so embarrassed and felt as though everything I’d build around me had came crumbling down and I wasn’t too sure on where to start when it came to getting my life back on track.
Over the past 8 months or so, I’ve really been working on myself – Yes, I’m aware it sounds SO cliche – due to the fact that I spend the majority of my time trying to prove myself to other people because who probably don’t really care of appreciate me to begin with. A lot of the time, I don’t really want to think that about people or swallow the pill that they’re just not nice people and don’t have my best intentions at heart but this naive girl is no longer here. I’ve faced the hardest truths and realisations over the past 2 years and I’m finally on the other end of it all.
My New Outlook On Happiness
Happiness was always something I thought I’d receive from those around me. I thought if everyone around me was happy and I focused on making other people happy, then as a domino effect, I would be happy too. It was much easier for me to focus on other people than focussing on myself. However, this year I’ve been learning to put myself first and not always say yes to please other people, mostly because people can be so fickle and untrusting and it’s taken me quite a long time to realise that. I was putting others as my first priority when I wasn’t there’s.
The other day, I was sat on the sofa, Duke was sat on my knee curled into a ball, I had my legs resting on Vincent’s knees whilst we watched TV with a cup of tea in our hands and I just thought, this is happiness to me. Being in a toxic environment in the work place at my previous job for so long made me into someone that I wasn’t myself. I was angry, frustrated and so so so unhappy. So to be on the other side of it all and learning to put myself first, it’s a true blessing in disguise.
Putting Yourself First
I’m a ride of die type of person. If you have the time for me then I will ALWAYS have the time for you. I always give what I take and believe that every relationship should be perfectly balanced, otherwise it’s just not going to work no matter how much you wish and hope that it would.
Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you stop caring about everyone else, that would just be inhumane. However, the time and effort I put into trying to maintain friendships with the people that couldn’t give two shits about how I actually am and my life, you know, like a friend would (& should), have had the book closed on them. Sounds absolutely savage but it was draining my energy and making me miserable. Even after the friendship ended I would still send the odd text to check up on them and if I sensed that something was wrong from talking to a mutual friend, I would always send my well wishes, but when you don’t get that in return, why the hell should I invest my time in a relationship that is so completely one-sided? Although I consider myself as a very self-less person, sometimes, you’ve just got to take over and allow your own feelings and self growth to be at the forefront.
It’s The Little Things…
We always see the big milestones in life as the memories we live for. You know, like the birthdays and the big holidays and purchasing your first house. It’s all very exciting and they certainly deserve to be remembered, but sometimes, to keep yourself sane, you need to learn to appreciate the small things.
I’m not trying to be a life guru here, as It’s definitely easier said than done, especially when you’re in a low point in your life. However, sometimes, it’s so healthy to take a step back and appreciate the little things, no matter how small they may be. Even if it’s the first cup of tea in the morning or getting a phone call from your Mum or a friend, once you start appreciating the little moments, your perspective with instantly transform.