Self-Love or Self-Conscious? | The Ramblings Of a Self Conscious Woman.

As a blogger, I constantly feel as though people naturally assume that I’m this overly confident, body secure, air head. Which for some, you may be thinking “I’ve never thought that” however whenever my blog has came up in conversation with someone I vaguely know, they always ask questions like “So, you take loads of posed photo’s” or “That takes a lot of confidence” and yeah it does, I guess. However I constantly feel that my image and my hobby is downgraded and downsized and compacted into a little box of blogger stereotypes.

Personally, I’m a very insecure person and I’m comfortable to admit that! I’m aware of the things that I don’t like about myself, I’d even go as far as saying these things I completely detest. I’d pretty much do anything to change them and yeah, that’s vain of me but that does not mean that I love myself.

Let’s really break this down – Yes, I do upload posed photographs of myself onto the internet for pretty much anyone to see but my readers only see about 4 photographs, out of the 100 that I actually take. I’m tedious and I’m obsessive with my insecurities, It takes me forever to find a photo that I like even a tad, I don’t take the photos because I like my own appearance, I take the photos because I’m trying to show a product, or an outfit, or the result of a makeup look. I don’t upload the photo’s because I want people to look at them and admire me, by all means I’d hate it if that was the case! The photos are there for the fact that I want people to decide whether or not they like a lipstick shade, or a hairstyle! Why do I constantly feel as though I have to be confident to blog?

I know a fair few people are thinking “well why blog then?” well why play video games when you keep dying? Why eat an entire pizza and then have a stomach ache? I blog because I enjoy it, just like how I enjoy pizza and video games, despite them making me too full and despite me being really bad at them. I mean, I must admit portraying that you’re confident and you’ve got your shit together is remarkably easy with the aid of social media and a blog – I can share what I want when I want, my insecurities don’t have to shine through via social media.

Now we go into the controversial spiral of doom when we talk about ‘social media personalities” my social self is the person that I want the world to see, I want to be social and fun and interesting however there’s certain factors in my life that the internet doesn’t need to know about. The anxiety record has been overplayed, it’s a broken record on social media. Which is good, if you read my ‘Anxiety Story’ post, you would know that during the early years of my anxiety I had no idea what it was and how I was expected to deal with it,  or who to talk to! However now that my anxiety is an everyday feature, I don’t feel the need to talk about it in every possible tweet that I send or instagram that I post.

I’m aware that this post is highly controversial and not every blogger will feel the pressure to love themselves. Seriously though, If you’re confident about yourself, your sexuality, your imperfections, then go you – I seriously cannot be more happy for you, because I want to be able to express myself like that, I want to be able to shrug this feeling off. However the more I write this and the more I think about the people that have judged me for blogging, the more I think “why should I care?” I’ve never received a bad comment about my blog, whether people do it behind my back I don’t know but I guess it’s not my blog I’m self conscious about, like I love my blog, I love having this little space on the internet where I can just write what I want – It’s myself that lacks the confidence.

Self-Love They Said, It Will Be Fun They Said…

Self Love is something I’ve always attempted to preach and radiate, however, I think social media is a giant contradiction in itself. We’re told that we should love our lumps and bumps and see are flaws are unique quirks, but social media is the same place that tells me that my flaws are flaws and that I don’t fit into the mould that society has created. It’s as though you have to be ‘beautiful’ to preach self love (insert eye roll here)

Every single second of my life I feel conscious about something but I desperately try to cling onto anything positive feelings I have towards myself. Whether it’s that I like my outfit, but then in 0.3 seconds I’m staring at my stomach in the mirror and wishing it looked any other way than what it does. My own brain (that’s supposed to be on my side?) attempts to turn myself against myself, even though I’m hitting the gym more than I ever have and cutting sugar out of my diet – When do I hit the point where my brain switches sides and begins to like what it see’s in the mirror? Because I’d quite like to know.

Starting My Journey To ‘Self Love’ – Or Whatever That Is.

In all honesty, I started my journey to feeling better about myself about a year ago. I began attending weekly PT sessions in order to get my body and my mind in a better place. I 100% feel as though regular gym sessions make the world of a difference to how you feel about yourself. You just know you’re on the right track when your sticking to your schedule.

As well as that, I’ve been focusing a lot on my mindfulness over the past 2 years. Sometimes, I feel great and as though I want to frolic through a field of daisies and spread love and joy to everyone around me, but sometimes I feel as though I’m closing my eyes and channeling my energy to get a massive slap in the face in return. Somedays my worries are rooted deeper than my looks, somedays I hate my personality, I don’t laugh at jokes, I don’t make jokes, it’s as though the flame that fuels who I am has burnt out. It’s really frustrating in all honesty! The thing that I probably like most about myself is my personality, but I guess like everyone else, sometimes there’s a fault in the system, so my mind does nothing but attack.

Here’s to my journey of self love and hopefully finding it at some point in my life time…

Until next time x

Advertisements
Comment

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: