Over the past few weeks my life has been flip-turned upside-down, Fresh Price of Bel-Air style, of course and I’ve been given a whole new perspective on life, to say the least.
2019 has been off to a pretty rocky start, It began with a lot of hopes and dreams that where almost instantly crushed right in front of me. Resulting in me feeling negative and unsure of my own future. It was a situation that I never thought I’d be in and did not think I deserved. However, the past month has told me that sometimes in life you need to learn to let go and move on into bigger and better things.
What The F*ck Do I Do Now?
Long story short, I didn’t have a job half way through January. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself career wise, I felt as though I wasn’t good enough and as though I was back at square one feeling as though anything I did just wasn’t enough. It was time for me to look at my life from a whole new perspective and get rid of anyone and anything that stopped me from #LivingMyBestLife (Do you hate me because I hate me)
For the first time since I was 16, I was unemployed, didn’t have anywhere to go, could stay up late and binge watch Netflix, sounds great if you’re a teenage boy, right? However, this to me was literal torture. I’m the type of person who needs to feel like they have a purpose. I need to get up and do something with my day and at-least feel as though I’ve achieved something with my time. So for some, having some time for themselves and having less responsibility is a treat, but for me It was pretty close to torture.
You’re probably raising an eyebrow and thinking I’m a work-o-holic and really dramatic, however, for someone who deals with anxiety, I like to keep my mind active and ticking along, rather than allowing myself to overthink and over analyse things that have happened, and obviously leading to the point of me not having a job, there was a lot for me to begin to analyse.
Luckily, before I had left my previous job, I had been applying for other jobs and trying my very best to get another job secured as soon as I can. However, It had been nearly 2 years since I had gone through the job application process and my goodness had it changed. I think I applied for 30+ jobs and probably heard back from 10. Some jobs, my heart wasn’t truly in it and some jobs I’d just applied to just because. All of this really got to me and it had me wondering what the next steps in my ‘career’ would be.
If you’ve read my previous blog post about how to boss your job interviews, you’ll know that I’ve attended quite a few of the past few weeks and learnt a good amount about the job application process and what to look for and how to represent yourself in the best way possible. It can be nerve-wrecking and time consuming, however, when you find a job you love it all becomes completely worth it.
Change Is Okay.
For some people, change Is a good thing, but this time, the changes that where being made in my life, weren’t of my own accord. These changes where happening because of circumstances that I couldn’t help. For someone who deals with anxiety pretty intensely, the amount of changes happening such as losing my job and worrying about paying my rent, became a lot of stress to deal with. It took me a few days to even get my head around everything, until one morning I woke up and has a new perspective on it all, I suppose it just took sometime for my brain to adjust.
The main thing for me, was that I felt embarrassed that I was unemployed, I didn’t really want to talk about it to anyone, even though I knew they were only trying to help. We’re told from a very young age that everything is linear, you go to school, go to university, get a full time job and then start working your way up the career ladder, but nobody really tells you what to do if you’re in a job that you hate and you’re crying in the toilet 3 times a day, do they? Getting out of that place was the best thing that’s every happened to me and although It took me a few days to realise that and get back onto my feet, It’s allowed me to realise that all of these lessons, both good and bad, can change the corse of my life, however, it’s how you deal with it and move forward with those changes that says it all. I could have sat in my bed and cried and ate my bodyweight in mash potato, but I didn’t (well only a little bit) I got back out there, recorded the first episode of my Podcast and took life my the horns and got myself a new job that I literally couldn’t be happier in.
“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”
— Charles Bukowski
Moving Home & Moving On.
Speaking of change, I’m moving back into my family home. This is one change that I really had to force myself into. I love the flat that I’m currently in and Vincent and I have so much fun living together and having our own space, we both love it and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done. However, when it came to being unemployed, even though it was for a short time, I never wanted it to get to the point were I couldn’t afford to pay my rent and ended up getting myself into debt. So, Vincent and I decided to move into my family home. Luckily, my room is still there and my parents are happy enough to have me back, I simply still just do not want to leave, especially now that I’m back on my feet and better than ever.
So, you’re probably wondering ‘why don’t you just not move?’ well, a new Tennant has already paid the deposit to move in after we leave, which sucks, however, we’re taking this as a blessing in disguise to save for a place of my own. To have my own property is honestly something I want more than anything, if you’ve ready my blog before or follow me on instagram, you’ll know that I’ve loved decorating my flat and making the most of my rented space, however, I cannot tell you how excited I am to have a home of my own and to be able to do whatever I want to it and make so many amazing memories with Vincent and my friends and family. Leaving our current flat is so bittersweet, but we’re hoping in a years time, we will have a deposit sorted and be getting onboard the property ladder.
From The Flames, A Phoenix Must Rise.
At the end of the day, shit happens. You either wallow, cry and feel sorry for yourself or you take it on the chin and move on. Usually, I’m a wallow and cryer but not this time. Without sounding like a drama queen, life has really kicked me hard in my non-existent balls of the past 2 years, however, I will not be defeated. I am strong and If I can’t take what life has got in store for me, then I will learn how.
Suffering only changes you if you let it, sometimes that change can be for the good, in my case it gave me a new perspective and allowed me to realise that sometimes life is about taking 2 steps back and thinking of the bigger picture.
What happens to you becomes fuel for something new. Change is a teacher and you learn how not to run away from. If you can do that (and you can), you’ll learn how to live through what you thought would destroy you.
Until next time x