Self-confidence is something that I’ve always struggled with. I don’t think I’ve ever really looked in the mirror without picking the way I look apart and wanting to change something about myself. Sometimes my self-confidence issues transcends further than body confidence and I begin to doubt who am I, not in the sense of I’m having an identity crisis but in a sense where I begin to question whether my personality is ‘likable’ and whether I’m annoying, not funny and perhaps come across the wrong way to people around me.
I am the most cautious person when it comes to first impressions. I have serious word vomit, as soon as I meet someone and they insinuate a conversation, my mouth starts moving and telling stories that are completely irrelevant and quite frankly just weird. This results in me going home, starting in the mirror and shaking my head and asking myself ‘why are you like this?”
DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT?!
Recently I’ve been really attempting to work on how I view myself. I’m aware that not everyone is going to like me and that’s really okay. I mean, I always try and see the good sides to people, they could struggle the way I do, however, you can’t like everyone I suppose – Sometimes personalities and interests clash, it’s just the way things are. I’ve always been a people pleaser, I’d much rather put someone else’s happiness ahead of my own and I’d literally do anything to keep someone happy. In a way, it’s definitely not because I’m selfless, simply because I can’t live with the thoughts that someone thinks I’m weird or annoying or whatever else my brain decides to convince me is true.
I recently started a new job, which I honestly really love and everyone I work with is so lovely, however, despite me really enjoying it and feeling content with the people I work with, there’s still that doubt and that subtle thought at the back of my mind that everyone hates me, or they think I dress weird, or talk weird, or think my hobbies and interests are stupid, or even that I go to the toilet too many times during that day. Now that I’m writing this down, I feel my levels of pathetic drastically rising, but it’s true. When I’m introduced in to new environments and new groups of people, I feel so aware of everything about myself. Like I said, if I’m not word vomiting 24/7 and telling people about the weird food I like for no apparent reason, I’m worried that I walk funny or god knows whatever else.
MY BODY AND ME
How I feel about the way I look is honestly the most touchy yet frustrating topic for me to talk about or even attempt to explain to someone. I know dissing yourself can be seen as some sort of attention seeking plea, however, in my case and I’m sure in those who feel likes this cases, that’s really not what we’re asking for. We’d rather not have a compliment because that only results in us feeling more and more self-conscious that people are looking at our faces or bodies and judging them.
Over the past few months, I’ve been really worried about a lot of things involving the way I look. I never want to list the things that I dislike about myself, as I never want anyone to look at my insecurities and think ‘oh yeah, she’s right!’ My issues are much better left in my head that plastered all over the internet for God knows who to see.
With blogging, I find that sometimes people assume that you radiate confidence and you’re comfortable in your own skin. Although I love sharing my outfits on my blog and Instagram, I still hate the way I look in the photographs, I’ll zoom in and start judging myself and wishing I looked different, wishing some sort of fairy god-mother would come along, wave her wand and in a flash I’d look like Scarlett Jo Hansen and all my worries would fade away. That’s not going to happen, Abbie.
Despite this post allowing me to feel so insanely vulnerable and as though everyone else is going to be picking me apart in their own minds. The truth is, they’re not. They probably don’t care, they probably feel the same about themselves. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that although I’d never put myself under the category of ‘vain’ in a sense, me being paranoid that other people waste their thoughts on how I look, what I say or what I’m doing, that’s somewhat vain of me. I mean, I definitely spend my time worrying about myself, rather than picking other people apart.
But fear not, If you feel the same way I do, I’m not labelling us all as vain, I’m simply trying to express how we’re worrying about things that wouldn’t even cross someone else’s mind, we’re allowing our thoughts that we think are someone else’s, dictate the way we live our lives, the way we dress and the way we socialise.
In my search for the unicorn that is self-confidence, I’ve honestly begun to wonder whether it actually exists. Does anyone actually look in the mirror and have nothing to worry about? Nothing they’d change? Nothing they’d wish they didn’t say? If you’re reading this thinking ‘Nope, don’t have any of those’ then I applaud you. You have achieved something that I never will. My search for self-confidence will continue but until then, I’m going to poke at my face and try 101 different hairstyles until I’m that bored of worrying, I’ll begin to not care…well, one can hope anyways.
WHAT I’M WEARING