This is a series that I’ve been wanting to do on my blog for quite some time now. I want to talk about subjects that may not be considered blog worthy, the little snippets of my daily self and my little secrets about certain subjects. This instalment is all about self confidence, as you can probably tell by the title. Like every other person, I’m incredibly harsh on myself, and basically my own worst critic. This isn’t something I’m proud of, nor is it something that I particularly want to shout about, however I think with blogging comes the assumption that you’re self confidence is sky high.
I think self confidence is personal to every person, everyone has their insecurities that they’re incredible critical of. I have a long list of insecurities that most people think are pathetic and pointless because they’re really nit-picky and don”t compare to someones personality and good nature, which is what matters the most at the end of the day!
Growing up I was a nerdy kid, with long blonde hair, round glasses and goofy teeth! Until I was about 10 I didn’t really care about that, simply because I was comfortable with myself and loved being considered the funny one in my school, being pretty or adored wasn’t a priority of mine, even though I was aware that I really wasn’t a cute kid! It wasn’t until I transferred schools when I was 10 when I become really aware of what I looked like. I would pretend that I’d lost my glasses so I didn’t have to wear them to school, which then resulted in me getting horrific headaches! When I think about this now, I understand why I did it, because I remember the reaction when I walked into school without my glasses on, people looked at me in a different way and I felt confident.
Moving on into my teenage years, I went to an all girls school so once again, self confidence wasn’t high and all in all I felt a bit lost and didn’t really know how I should act or dress. As I felt like everything I wore was judged. If you wore converse before they where considered cool you were labeled as a ‘goth’ if you took photographs for your MySpace at a slightly high angle, you were considered an ‘Emo’ – Basically if you weren’t doing and wearing what the ‘popular girls’ where doing, you’d be labeled for it. High School wasn’t a place that I wanted to be, which I’m sure is how every teenager feels, however I didn’t mind learning, I liked my friendship group, however I wasn’t in many classes with them, which Is went me feeling incredibly self conscious and self aware would truly kick in.
As you may know, at this particular time in my life, I was having a really bad time with anxiety and panic attacks and already felt incredibly embarrassed about all of that, my self confidence and anxiety resulted in me being very secluded and shy, so my self confidence was naturally very low. I find that the particular anxiety I suffer with, definitely played a big part regarding how I viewed myself. I spent the majority of my time in school feeling very overshadowed by those around me, feeling as though every step I took was going to be judged and laughed at by a group of girls who just basically had nothing better to do with their time. When I look back it at now, in obviously a different frame of mind to back then, I’m a lot more comfortable in my skin, to a certain degree, I’m more willing to stick up for myself!
I feel as though nowadays, although my confidence definitely fluctuates and I’m sure that’s normal, however do you ever just feel so pathetically insecure that you could literally give up on everything because of it? However you can’t let this control your brain, despite my lack of confidence and the fact that I don’t really know what I’m doing with myself, I sort of use that as a fuel to keep going and to not let my lack of confidence in both my appearance and my work get in the way too much! I inevitably have phases were I don’t feel confident about anything I’m doing, I will completely detest my face in every picture and how every part of my body looks, but with that comes me finding ways to pick myself back up and shake it off.
What I’m trying to achieve by these posts, is basically talking about things that are general issues in everyones life, sometimes It’s nice to know that you’re not alone and that someone is feeling or have felt exactly like you do, a glimmer of hope I suppose. I think I’m always going to be seriously insecure about myself, but it’s important to surround yourself with people who support you no matter what you’re doing, how you’re feeling or what you look like!